Growing up With Anxiety

Nearly everyone feels anxious from time to time, for me I started to feel anxious and have anxiety at a very young age. Coming from someone that has always "felt" anxious new experiences, people, or opportunities always seem "too scary" to overcome. As I grow up and new experiences are being given to me I've had to let go of some of the things that feel the most comforting. The unknown is always scary, but to me its not the fear that I cannot do something or that I will fail without even trying, for me my fear is not feeling well, or having something go wrong and no one will be there to help. I've learned over the years that anxiety is all in my head. My anxiety has held me back from many things such as sleepovers, hangouts, concerts and many things that I wish I could've been apart of. As I write this blog, I leave tomorrow for my trip to New York, I will be attending a writing program through The New York Times. When I was applying to this program I planned to have my mom stay in an Airbnb with me if I ever got accepted. March came around and I was ecstatic when I received my email from The New York Times, telling me if I was accepted or not (I never thought I would be accepted). When I read the words "congratulations you've been accepted to our program" I froze, I never thought I would be lucky enough to enjoy this experience. A few weeks later, my mom told me that it would be too expensive for her to stay there and her job wouldn't allow that much time off- my next option was staying in the dorms (like most students at the program do). My heart started to race and I started to think that I should not take part in the program and pass on this once in a lifetime experience because my anxiety was telling me that I couldn't make it through. During the next few weeks I talked to most of my friends asking if it was the right idea to go or if I would be okay. My friends all said the same thing "you'd be crazy to pass up this experience and you will be okay, we are always here for you and we know you can overcome this". I started to realize I'd be crazy to pass this experience up. The first week of April I told my mom that I would go, and I would also stay in the dorms. she looked at be with big eyes and a bright smile and told me that if I can overcome this experience I can overcome anything. Being accepted to this program made me feel strong as I got accepted after sending in my grades, test scores, letter of recommendations, and a piece of my writing, but being accepted also made me feel weak as if I wouldn't be able to overcome this because my anxiety would take control as I am used too. I've never been extremely open about my anxiety, but when I started to understand that I am not the only one who suffers I wanted to share my experiences to maybe help other people. I went to therapy a couple times to understand more of why this happened to me, strategies for when I do feel anxious, and why or what triggers anxiety. For me and many others, it's the fear of the unknown. I started to learn more and understand the things that I would feel. After doing this doesn't mean it didn't go away but for me I know had outlets and other ways to look at things. Anxiety for me is a normal thing that I'm prepared to deal with, meals are the hardest for me, like tonight at dinner I ordered a big dinner and then started to not feel the best. For me I believe this happens because I start to think of all the upcoming things happening and what could happen. Anxiety has almost grown into a habit apart of my life too. I try and write down my thoughts and not overthink everyday activities. By opening up about my story I hope to show that all people feel anxious at times and it is a completely normal thing to go through, especially with new opportunities and changes.

This is Little Lily in 2010.

As I look back on who I was, it reminds me that everyday is a blessing and everything moves past. I am still the happy little girl that gets excited over the small things, but still stresses about every little thing. I look at the dreams and experiences I am about to have, how I will grow, and what I will learn. The past me shows me that nothings forever, to never stop doing what you love, and to be okay with change. I feel comfortable to say that I will be okay, and that I am excited. I can't wait to share my experiences, and make the world a better place.

All my Love, Lily <3